Funny Pants (transcript)
[Squidward is sleeping until SpongeBob knocks on the door causing him to wake up] SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward! Squidward: [opens his window] What do you want, SpongeBob? SpongeBob: Time for work, Squidward. Another day, another dollar. [laughs] Squidward: More like another nickel. SpongeBob: [laughs] Good one, Squidward. [scene cuts to Squidward and SpongeBob walking down the street and SpongeBob is laughing] Another day, another nickel. [laughs] Squidward: It's not that funny. SpongeBob: It's funny because it's true! [laughs. SpongeBob clings on to Squidward’s legs as they walk into the Krusty Krab] Squidward: Move over. [flicks SpongeBob off his legs and into the kitchen] SpongeBob: [peeks through the kitchen window] Nickel. [laughs] Squidward: [brings food tray over to a customer] Here's your food. [SpongeBob is laughing behind him] It's not that funny! [slams tray down] Please make it stop! [SpongeBob is running into the kitchen then out of Mr. Krabs office still laughing. Scene zooms into Squidward with a bunch of SpongeBob’s laughing around his head. Scene cuts to Squidward flipping the 'OPEN' sign to 'CLOSE' then walking out of the Krusty Krab with SpongeBob still laughing. Squidward enters his house then shuts the door in SpongeBob’s face] SpongeBob: Ok, Squidward, see ya tomorrow. [laughs. Scene cuts to morning at the Krusty Krab] Customer #1: And always check for spare change. SpongeBob: Another day, another...nickel! [brings food to customer] 2 krabby patties. Customer #2: Thanks, kid. SpongeBob: Another day, another nickel. Customer #2: Oh. [all 3 of them laugh] Squidward: He's gone laughing tormentor. [SpongeBob continues to laugh but every few seconds, he gets an ache in his side and Squidward takes notice of this] This could be my chance. [enters kitchen] SpongeBob, you don't look well! SpongeBob: I don't? Squidward: No. You should sit down. SpongeBob: But... Squidward: [sticks a cooking thermometer in SpongeBobs mouth] Shh, shh, shh. [feels his forehead] You're burning up, SpongeBob. SpongeBob: I am? Squidward: Tell me, SpongeBob, have your sides been hurting? SpongeBob: Yeah, a little. Squidward: And your temperature is 175 degrees! SpongeBob: Is that bad? Squidward: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Unless you've been doing a lot of laughing. SpongeBob: I have been laughing a lot, lately. Squidward: [gasps] SpongeBob, you've got to be careful! You're gonna burn out your laugh box. SpongeBob: My laugh box? Squidward: Yes, it's the part of your body that enables laughter. If you use it too long without giving it a break, it burns out and you can never laugh again. SpongeBob: Is that what happened to you, Squidward? Squidward: Yes. What? No! Listen, SpongeBob, this is serious. If you burn your laugh box you live your whole life without ever laughing again. [scene fades to Sandy walking up to Patrick] Sandy: Hey, Patrick, you wanna hear a joke? Patrick: Sure, Sandy. SpongeBob: [in a lung capacity machine] Sure, I'd love a good laugh. Sandy: What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck! [Sandy and Patrick laugh normally while SpongeBob’s laugh is robot sounding. Sandy and Patrick walk away with a sigh of disgust] SpongeBob: I don't wanna burn out my laugh box, Squidward. Squidward: Well, the most important thing is to stop laughing. Any laugh at all could be dangerous. SpongeBob: How long do I have to avoid laughing? Squidward: Gosh, SpongeBob, I'd say at least for the rest of the day. But you better go 24 hours just to be safe. SpongeBob: Thank you so much, Squidward! I don't know what I'd do without you! [later SpongeBob is walking out of the Krusty Krab] A day without laughter is a small price to pay to save my laugh box from utter destruction. I must remain vigilant. [looks over to his right] Nothing funny over there. [looks over to his left] Nothing funny over here. Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, how's it going? SpongeBob: [notices banana peel in front of Patrick on the ground] Patrick, banana peel, don't! Patrick: What'd you say? [slips on banana peel] SpongeBob: Oh, no. [stifles laughter] Patrick: Hey, what the... [slips on banana peel again] SpongeBob: Wait a minute, Patrick! [Patrick slips on the banana peel again] Please stop! Patrick: Right foot first... SpongeBob: Wait, Patrick, I can't laugh. Patrick: You can't? Oh, I know what to do! [flaps his lips and SpongeBob runs away] That usually knocks him out. [continues flapping his lips then slips on the banana peel again] SpongeBob: [runs behind a building] Get a grip on yourself, SpongeBob. You're in control. [steps on a whoopee cushion] Just back away from the whoopee cushion, SpongeBob. [steps on another whoopee cushion. He gasps] They're everywhere. Everywhere! Delivery Fish: Look out for that pie truck! [pie truck crashes into the whoopee cushion truck. SpongeBob laughs a little as the big pie on top of the truck falls on the driver] SpongeBob: I gotta get outta here. [runs out of the Bikini Bottom city limits] There's nothing funny up here. But just to be safe... [digs himself a hole to bury himself in. He gets in. Now only his nose is seen. He stays there as the day turns to night, then it is morning and a clam crows like a rooster] Ah, I made it 24 hours without laughing. [tries to laugh but produces a weird deflating sound instead] That's odd. [produces the deflating sound again] I've lost my laugh. Ahh! [runs back into Bikini Bottom] I've lost my laugh! Ahh! [knocks on Patrick's rock] Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob. SpongeBob: It's terrible, Patrick. I can't laugh anymore! Patrick: What happened? SpongeBob: I went a whole day without laughing and now my laugh is gone. Patrick: Let me take a look. [inserts his head into SpongeBob’s mouth] Hmmm, it's dark in here. I better light a match. [lights a match. Smoke fills SpongeBob and Patrick can't get him off his head so he runs around screaming. Later, at the Krusty Krab] Mr. Krabs: Come in. SpongeBob: [crying] Mr. Krabs? Mr. Krabs: What's wrong, boy? SpongeBob: I lost my laugh. Mr. Krabs: You've come to the right place, son. Ya know, there's one thing that always makes me laugh. [both look at money but only Mr. Krabs laughs] Don't it just tickle you, boy? SpongeBob: Not really. Mr. Krabs: This calls for drastic measures. I don't usually do this but you seem desperate. touch it. SpongeBob: [touches money] Nothing. Mr. Krabs: Oh, this is worse than I thought. After all, money is the ultimate source of joy. SpongeBob: Maybe I should ask Sandy. She's a scientist. [later at Sandy's tree dome] Sandy: Oh, it's easy if you approach it scientifically, SpongeBob. Now, what is laughter? SpongeBob: The thing that used to give my life meaning and purpose but now mocks me with its cruel indifference. Sandy: [pulls down a chart of the body] But scientifically speaking, its caused by your epiglottis constricting your larynx causing irregular air intake and respiratory upset. SpongeBob: Sounds painful. Sandy: Science makes everything sound painful, SpongeBob. [hands SpongeBob a bunch of books] Now, here's a humor theory textbooks, laugh mechanics, and the quantum giggle theory. SpongeBob: Thank you, Sandy. Squidward: Ah, it sure is peaceful around here since SquarePants became a sad sack. SpongeBob: I read all the books and still nothing. I guess I'll never laugh again. [moans and groans into his pineapple] Squidward: I really hate to see the little guy sad but not as much as I hate to see him happy. [laughs. "Later that same evening timecard is shown and the French narrator reads it] Narrator: Later that same evening. Squidward: [is playing clarinet when he hears SpongeBob crying] I think I found the one thing I hate more than his laugh. I'm sure he'll cry himself out soon. [SpongeBob cries tears on the side of Squidward's house and night turns into day as Squidward’s tiki plugs up its ears] What have I done? [SpongeBob cries a river into Squidward’s house causing it to flood him outside] Oh, that's it! This charade has to end. [realizes his feet are underwater and walks to SpongeBob's house. He knocks on SpongeBob’s door and lots of tears come out] SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward. Squidward: SpongeBob, this infernal crying has to stop. SpongeBob: But Squidward, I...I broke my laugh box. [sprays a fountain of tears into Squidward's face. Squidward puts his tentacles over SpongeBob's eyes, stopping the tears] Squidward: SpongeBob, there is no such thing as a laugh box! I made the whole thing up to get some peace from your insipid laughter. SpongeBob: You mean...my laugh box isn't broken and it was a cruel lie that sent me into spiral depression. Squidward: Uhh, well it sounds pretty harsh when you put it that way, but yes. SpongeBob: I could laugh the whole time? Squidward: Yeah. [both laugh] You really fell for it. SpongeBob: I guess I did. Squidward: You even fell for the ol' thermometer in the boiling oil routine. [laughs] SpongeBob: [stops laughing] It's really not that funny, Squidward. Squidward: It's hilarious! SpongeBob: See ya later, Squidward. [goes into his house] Squidward: Where am I? Sandy: You're in the hospital, silly. You broke your laugh box. Mr. Krabs: The doctor said it was the most tiny, dried-out, underused laugh box he ever laid eyes on. Patrick: So they cut it out. Squidward: Cut it out? Patrick: Yeah, wanna see it? [holds up jar with Squidward’s laugh box in it] It's fun to shake it up and watch it bounce around. Squidward: Ahh! Gimme that. I can never laugh again? Doctor: Nonsense. Your laugh should be stronger than ever. Squidward: But, you cut out my laugh box. Doctor: Yes, but uhh, one of your friends generously allowed us to transplant part of theirs to you. Patrick: Nope. Mr. Krabs: They wouldn't pay me. Sandy: You're getting warmer. Squidward: [SpongeBob shows his scar] SpongeBob? [laughs like SpongeBob] SpongeBob: Hey, you laugh just like me. [both laugh. Squidward laughs too much so he runs through the wall] Ah, there he goes off to share his laugh with the world. [laughs]
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