Enemy In-Law (transcript)
[Everyone screams and points at a Plankton robot as it grabs a handful of people in each hand and drops them inside the Chum Bucket] Plankton: [everyone running around inside] Oh, good, the lunch rush. Now that my ChumBot has dropped you into my clutches, you'll be forced to eat at the Chum Bucket. [everyone stops in their tracks] Nat: What?! You mean you kidnapped us just to sell us your fast food? Plankton: C'mon, it's a standard marketing technique. Nat: You little twerp. Plankton: Hey! Karen: He's right, ya know. Plankton: Karen?! You think I'm a twerp? Karen: Well, yes, but I was referring to the kidnapping. Plankton: Everything I do is always wrong in your eyes. Karen: Maybe it's because you are always wrong. Plankton: Fine, I'm wrong and you're right. Karen: You said it, not me. Plankton: [walking away] Why did I ever install that nagging software? Karen: Nagging software? I heard that! Come back and dust my screen! Mr. Krabs: Oh, money. You're always there for me. [kissing noisily] Mama Krabs: Hello, Eugene. Mr. Krabs: Mother! Uh, what brings ya by today? Mama Krabs: I just wanted to see my favorite son. Mr. Krabs: How much of my money do you want? Mama Krabs: Well, I did see the prettiest hat in town today. Mr. Krabs: Oh, look at the time! So sorry to have to rush off. Bye! [pushes Mama Krabs out his office and closes his door] Whew, that was a close one. Plankton: Why did I ever buy that computer wife? I need a real woman--not a girl in a cold-hearted shell. [Plankton hears Mama Krabs humming outside so he brings down his periscope on her] Such beauty. She's an angel; and no wires. I've never felt like this before. I don't even know her name and yet she's stolen my heart. Karen: Plankton?! You've fallen in love with another woman? I'm your wife! Plankton: You're a W.I.F.E.: Wired Integratred Female Electroencephlagraph. Karen: Oh, you always pull that one out! "You're not a real wife, you're just a computer!" Plankton: Aah! Why don't you have an 'off' switch. [sees an off switch] Karen: Plankton, don't you dare... [turns off] Plankton: And now to woo that beloved creature. [cut to Mama Krabs taking a nap while Robot Plankton is looking through her window. Then the robot grabs her] Robot Plankton: Roses are red. Violets are blue. World domination has nothing on you. [she screams] Plankton: Hmmm, I guess she's not a poetry fan. [everyone is running around screaming while the robot is using its eye laser to spell out "I [heart] You" on the ground, but while destroying some of the town when doing this. Mama Krabs reads it and screams a few times] [The Trouble Song] Poetry, love notes--nothing's working. Perhaps something personal. [Mama Krabs is shrieking. The robot walks over to a rock and karate chops a memorial-like statue of Mama Krabs' head] Mama Krabs: Am I really that pretty? Plankton: Oh, yeah...I am smooth. [cut to later in his restaurant by a phone] Just dial the number and ask her to dinner. C'mon, you can do this. [dial tones beeping; Plankton grunting] Mama Krabs: Hello? [Plankton grunting in the phone] I'm hanging up. Plankton: Wait! This is your secret admirer. Mama Krabs: Oh, you're that giant robot? Plankton: [laughing] No. I program the robot. Did you enjoy the gift I sent you? Mama Krabs: How did you know I wanted a hat? Have you been spying on me? [6 TV screens are set-up to in different parts of Mama Krabs house] Plankton: It was...just a lucky guess. I've admired you from afar for far too long, my angel. We must meet face-to-face. Mama Krabs: Well, how about the Krusty Krab? Tonight at 8:00? Plankton: Sounds wonderful. I'll be the tall fellow wearing a red carnation. Until tonight, my dear. [cut to Mama Krabs walking into the Krusty Krab] Mr. Krabs: Ah! Quick, SpongeBob, swallow me wallet! SpongeBob: OK. [Mr. Krabs shoves his wallet in SpongeBob's mouth and SpongeBob swallows it] Mr. Krabs: Oh, sorry, Mommy. I can't lend you any money. SpongeBob accidentally swallowed me wallet. [sniffs his mother's hat] Mommy, you got yourself a hat without my financial assistance. Mama Krabs: Isn't it nice, Eugene? It's just the one I wanted. Mr. Krabs: But, Mommy, you shouldn't be spending my inheritance...I mean, since you told me you wanted a hat, I went out and I dug one up. [takes out a hat with holes in it] Mama Krabs: Where did you get this old thing? [at a funeral where two fish are praying their respects to the person in the coffin will Did Not Explode] Nat: She looks so peaceful. Fred: Yeah Dosn't She Wearing A Hat?. [Mr. Krabs is seen running out with the hat behind him] Mama Krabs: You can take this one back to the trash heap. Mr. Krabs: Yes, Mommy. [tosses hat and shovel to Squidward] Squidward, I need you to make a return for me. Mama Krabs: Thank ye for your concern for my finances, but me new boyfriend bought me this hat. Mr. Krabs: Boyfriend? Someone to spend money...I mean time with you? That's wonderful! Who is he? What's his name? Mama Krabs: I don't know. I'm meeting him here, tonight. Mr. Krabs: Wonderful! I'll stay open late so ye can have a nice, romantic dinner. Run along, make yourself pretty. SpongeBob, you're working late tonight. No overtime! [SpongeBob lunges himself into the door. Cut to a rose walking into the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob is in a waiter uniform] Plankton: [clears throat] I've reservations for two, tonight. SpongeBob: Right this way, sir. [SpongeBob pulls back the chair for Plankton as he jumps up on it] Plankton: [shouts] Excuse me, I can't reach my silverware! SpongeBob: Terribly sorry, sir. [reaches into his pocket and takes out a miniature table and chair. Places it on top of the big table then grabs Plankton and places him in the chair] Will there be anything else? Plankton: Is my tie on straight? SpongeBob: You look FABULOUS! [Mama Krabs walks in] Your gentlemen caller awaits. [Mama Krabs walks up to the table] Plankton: [pulls rose away from his body] Hello, my dear. I must say you look ravishing tonight. [Mama Krabs notices tiny Plankton] Mama Krabs: Oh, my, you're a tiny thing, but awfully cute. Tell me about yourself. [sits down in a chair that SpongeBob has brought to her] Plankton: Well, I'm in the food service business. I'm a bit of a restaurateur. I'm the founder and owner of the Chum Bucket. Mama Krabs: Never heard of it. Plankton: [Points to the Chum Bucket] It's across the street. Mama Krabs: Doesn't ring a bell. [Plankton shows her the back of a phone book with a picture of him and the Chum Bucket]. Plankton: It's on the back of the phone book! Come on! I paid a lotta money for that ad! [Puts the book away] Never mind, Never mind. I'd like to hear about you. Mama Krabs: Well... Mr. Krabs: Plankton! Plankton: Krabs! Mama Krabs: Eugene! Mr. Krabs: Mommy? Plankton: "Mommy?" SpongeBob: [jumps in the air] SpongeBob! Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob... Plankton: This delectable creature is your mother? Mr. Krabs: This no-good conniving chiseler is your date? SpongeBob: And this devilishly handsome sponge is your waiter. Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! I don't know what sort of skullduggory you're up to, Plankton, and I'm not waiting to find out. [picks up Plankton by his antenna] Mama Krabs: Eugene, you put me boyfriend down, this instant! Plankton: Boyfriend? Mr. Krabs: But, mommy... Plankton: You heard the lady. Let me go. [Mr. Krabs drops him into Mama Krabs hand] Plankton: That's more like it. Mama Krabs: Come, Plankton. I'm sorry me son had to spoil our romantic evening. Mr. Krabs: Mommy? [cut to Plankton cleaning a picture of Mama Krabs then in walks Mr. Krabs]. You! Plankton: Eugene. Mr. Krabs: I came to warn you, Plankton. Stay away from me mother. I know what you're really up to. Plankton: I'm serious, Eugene. I've changed my ways. And all it took was the love of a beautiful woman. Mr. Krabs: All you love is thieving and conniving. Now, stop trying to get the formula out of me mother. Plankton: What are you talking about? Mr. Krabs: I'm talking about the Krabby Patty formula! Plankton: Your mother knows the Krabby Patty formula? Mr. Krabs: Don't play stupid with me. Of course she does. It's an old Krabs family recipe. And you're not family! [Plankton frowns] I'm telling you for the last time: stay away from me mother. [walks out] Plankton: Not family, eh? I can fix that. [cut to Mama Krabs walking into the Krusty Krab] Mama Krabs: Eugene! Mr. Krabs: Mommy! Mama Krabs: What did I tell ye about interfering in me life? Mr. Krabs: Mommy, can't you see? He's trying to seduce the Krabby Patty formula right from under you. Mama Krabs: For your information, Eugene, he hasn't asked me once about the formula. I doubt that he even knows that I know it. Mr. Krabs: [chuckles] Uh, yeah...funny thing about that. Mama Krabs: I forbid ye to interfere in me private business. Go to your office, now! Mr. Krabs: Yes, mommy. [walks into his office] Plankton: Somebody call heaven because I think an angel's gone missing. Mama Krabs: Oh, Sheldon. Plankton: Oh, Mrs Krabs. Mr. Krabs: Oh, brother. Plankton: Attention, attention everyone. I'd like to make an announcement. Mrs Krabs, in full view of this restaurant, I ask you for your hand in holy matrimony. Crowd: Aw! Plankton: Would you marry me? [big diamond ring shown up close] Mr. Krabs: Ah, that's it! No more hiding in my room like a scared little kid, it's time to act like a man! [jumps at Plankton] Plankton: Gasp! Mr. Krabs: [jumps in his mother's lap] Please don't marry him, mommy! Don't marry this bad, bad man! I don't want you to! Plankton: Too late Krabsy. We're going to be married. And you're gonna be my new son! [laughs maniacally. Mama Krabs hands the ring back to Plankton] Huh? What's this, honey bunch? Mama Krabs: I'm flattered by your offer, really I am, but I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment. [Mr. Krabs laughs] Plankton: What is this? There's somebody else, isn't there? [Robot Plankton stomping thunderously] Robot Plankton: I...I...this is very uncomfortable. I'll just wait in the car. Plankton: I don't believe this! You led me on! Mama Krabs: Now, now, Plankton, it's not what ye think. Plankton: I don't want to hear your lies! You owe me for leading me on like this! Give me the Krabby Patty formula and we'll call it even. Mama Krabs: The formula? Is that what this whole thing was about? Plankton: No, no, not really. I mean, not at first. I mean uh...honey bunch? Uh-oh. [Mama Krabs shows her muscles, which show as ships cannons. She punches Plankton back to the Chum Bucket] Oh, well, 'tis better to loved and lost then never to be loved at all! [Plankton ends up flying into the ON switch of Karen] Karen: Working. Plankton: So, you decided to come crawling back to me, huh? Karen: [a laser machine comes down] What did you say? Plankton: [chuckles nervously] Nothing, dear. Karen: [zaps him] Yeah, that's what I thought you said, honey bunch. [Plankton groans]
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