Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy VI: The Motion Picture (transcript)

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[A green car comes driving up then stops. Kelp-Thing gets out] Kelp-Thing: Huh? Eh? Narrator: [Mermaid Man is shown on a building] It's Mermaid Man! Savior of the deep! [in comes Barnacle Boy] And his young fit servant, Barnacleboy. Mermaid Man: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy...unite! [both put rings together then jump down onto Kelp Thing's car] Kelp-Thing, this is a posted, no-parking zone. Kelp-Thing: But I must do what I do. [jumps up in the air until he notices his car is being towed] Huh? [The word "TOWED" comes on screen. Kelp-Thing jumps down and then walks away] Mermaid Man: Evil can't park here between the hours of 6:00am and 12:00pm! [the word "FIN" appears on-screen. The Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Fan Club is watching a video about the heroes. They cheer] Club Leader: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Fan Club members unite! [puts hands together in air] All: [unite] Unite! Club Leader: And now the second order of business: Drippy Brothers Studios is currently in production of the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy movie! All: Ooh! SpongeBob: Oh boy, Patrick, I can hardly wait to see our favorite heroes on the big screen! [Patrick laughs] Club Leader: Third order of business, the special surprise guest. [all gasp] The stars of the Mermaidman movie are here tonight! [everyone cheers] Directly from the set, here they are! [curtain opens, revealing Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy actors] Fake Mermaid Man: Hello, little heroes. Patrick: Huh? SpongeBob: You're not Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. You're fakes. Fake Mermaid Man: Well, of course, we are—we're actors. SpongeBob: Actors? How can they make a Mermaid Man movie without the real Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy? Fake Mermaid Man: Listen, kid, this is an action movie. You're has-been heroes are too OLD for action. SpongeBob: Mermaid Man is timeless! Patrick: Yeah! SpongeBob: I think I speak for everyone here when I say we won't stand for these two phony-baloney ruining the good name of our heroes. No right-minded Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy society member would ever pay to see this...this celluloid hoax. I saw we boycott this movie! Now who's with me? [SpongeBob and Patrick are thrown out of the building] Traitors! Wait till we tell Mermaid Man about this. [cut to the retirement home] Announcer: B-47. Mermaid Man: BONKO! Barnacle Boy: It's "bingo". [puts hand on Mermaid Man] Mermaid Man: Get your hands off me, woman! [slaps Barnacle Boy's hand away] Announcer: A-29. SpongeBob: [walks in angrily] Too old for an action movie...huh. Barnacle Boy: What is this time, kid? SpongeBob: Are you aware Drippy Brothers Studio is making the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy movie? Barnacle Boy: They can't be making a movie about us! SpongeBob: But they are! And they're using... [close-up of SpongeBob's mouth] actors. [heroes gasp] SpongeBob: They have shunned our heroes. Patrick: And they weren't nice to them either. Mermaid Man: [wailing] Now our dreams of being big screen heroes will never come true. SpongeBob: Well, that makes it even worse. Barnacle Boy: [Puts hands on Mermaid Man's back] You bet it does, kid. Mermaid Man: And the worst part is I can't remember why I started crying. Patrick: Why don't we just make our own movie? SpongeBob: Patrick, once again, you have exposed your brilliance. We'll make a real Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy movie. Right here at Shady Shoals. Mermaid Man: [stops crying] You will? SpongeBob: Yes! And in doing so, we will right the wrong done to you by the evil Drippy Brother Studios and... [close-up of SpongeBob's mouth] their actors. Mermaid Man: [jumps on top of the table] Vindication is ours! did I get up here? [cut to Krusty Krab] SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, what do we need to start a movie? Patrick: Popcorn? SpongeBob: No, Patrick, to start making a movie. Patrick: Oh, oh, oh... SpongeBob: Let's start with...the title. Patrick: Yeah, yeah. Ooh! I got one! "Adventures in the Underground City". SpongeBob: Great, Pat, what happens? Patrick: Well, there's a city... SpongeBob: [typing on a typewriter] City... Patrick: And it's underground... SpongeBob: [typing] Underground... Patrick: And they have an adventure... SpongeBob: [still typing] Adventure... Patrick: The end. SpongeBob: End. [stops typing] That's great, Pat. [checks paper] Hmm, seems kinda short. Patrick: I have an idea. Let's make it longer! SpongeBob: Longer, yes. Ok, let's have Mermaidman get his face shrunk by Kelp-Thing's face minimizer. [shrinks his face] Patrick: Yeah, and then he...umm...he drinks...cheese coffee. SpongeBob: [laughs] Good one, Pat. [both laugh] Mr. Krabs: [walks to table] What are ye lads doing? SpongeBob: We're making a movie. Mr. Krabs: Great! I got cinema's newest star, right here. SpongeBob: [looks through his fingers which make a square shape staring at Pearl. She giggles and holds a Krabby Patty on a tray in her fin] Mr. Krabs: So, what do ye say, lad? SpongeBob: Sure, Mr Krabs, Pearl can be in our movie. Mr. Krabs: I wasn't talking about Pearl. I was talking about the Krabby Patty. [Pearl looks at the Krabby Patty and starts crying massive tears] SpongeBob: You can be in it, too, Pearl. Pearl: [stops crying] I'm gonna be a movie star. [cut to outside Shady Shoals] SpongeBob: Let's meet the highly skilled professionals who will help us fulfill your dream of being on the big screen. Sandy will handle the stunts and explosives. [Sandy holds up a bomb] Sandy: Howdy. SpongeBob: Pearl is the leading lady. Mr Krabs will cater the affair. Mr. Krabs: [holds up a Krabby Patty] SpongeBob: Patrick will run the camera. Patrick: Hey... [knocks over the camera and gets tangled up in roll] SpongeBob: This is Squidward. He's in charge of the makeup department. Squidward: [walks away] Uh, no thanks. Who wants to be the 'makeup department'? SpongeBob: Not makeup department, you're the makeup artist. Squidward: Artist? [looks back] SpongeBob: Makeup artist. Squidward: Well then let's make those old crabapples sizzle. [looks at the heroes] Hmmm... [close-ups of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's old, wrinkly faces] Time for the art-eest to go to work. [takes out the flamethrower and gets to work. Banging and screaming are heard. Squidward staples their faces together] Voila! SpongeBob: Ok, places everybody. Squidward, are our heroes ready? Squidward: As they'll ever be. SpongeBob: [gasps] They're beautiful. [Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy are tied up and look like sausage links] They look just like they did 30 years ago. [Mermaid Man slurrping] Ok...action! [explosion] Sandy: I love my new job. SpongeBob: Good job, Sandy. Plankton: Psst... [has a mini ManRay head on] I, ManRay, have returned from the murky depths to seek my revenge and banish your souls to the nether regions. Their defenses are strong, but they are no match for my ManRay ray. [takes out a flashlight and turns it on] SpongeBob: What are you doing? Plankton: SpongeBob, this role was made for me. SpongeBob: That villain isn't even in this movie. But let me see if we have something that fits your qualifications. Oh, here's something. [takes microphone stand] You can be the boom operator. Plankton: I thought Sandy was the boom operator. Sandy: Did somebody say boom? [explosion] Plankton: All right, SpongeBob, but you're squandering my talents. SpongeBob: Ok, Patrick, start the movie! Assistant: Take 1. Mermaid Man: We have to get back to those swollen Krabby Patties. SpongeBob: Cut! No, Mermaid Man, it's "stolen Krabby Patties." Assistant: Take 2. Mermaid Man: We have to get back to those stolen naggie daddies. SpongeBob: Cut! No, Mermaid Man, it's "stolen Krabby Patties." Assistant: Take 5003. Mermaid Man: We have to get back to those stolen Krabby Patties! And if we don't stop that diabolical scoundrel- [mumbles because Plankton accidentaly shoves the microphone in his mouth] Plankton: Give it back! Barnacle Boy: I knew this was a bad idea. SpongeBob: Cut! Plankton, next time could you keep the boom out of shot? Other than that, you're doing a super job. Plankton: This is humiliating. I'm not good at this boom thing. Sandy: Did somebody say boom? [explosion] Pearl: Oh, daddy, you said I was going to be a star! Mr. Krabs: You are, Pearl. Mermaid Man wouldn't be anywhere without you. Go out there and break a leg. Pearl: Yeah! [runs off and cut to steep mountain] SpongeBob: Okay, action! Mermaid Man: To the boat mobile. [both jump on the boat mobile, which is really Pearl on her back with wheels] SpongeBob: Cue the sound effects. [Pearl uses her tongue for boat engine] Mermaid Man: Listen to that engine purr. [assistant is straining as he tries to pull Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy, and Pearl up a steep cliff] SpongeBob: Almost there! [assistant grabs the edge of the cliff but it breaks off causing them to slide down, over a curved slope and into the air. Patrick aims the camera so that it's directly on Pearl, the assistant, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. Then they come crashing down onto the set. Pearl gets off of a flattened SpongeBob] Patrick: Good morning, SpongeBob. SpongeBob: Everything's ruined! Well, at least we got the footage. Patrick: Yeah, I got the footage. SpongeBob: Patrick, what is that? Patrick: Oh, it's a camera. SpongeBob: No, Patrick, this. [takes off lens cap] Patrick: Oh, that's a lens cap. SpongeBob: Did you just put that on?! Patrick: Yup, I didn't want to lose it so it there right before we started filming. SpongeBob: [Goes insane, lifts up piece of ground, and eats worms on bottom side. Everyone gasps. SpongeBob then cries] The movie's ruined! We can't make a movie. Mermaid Man: Hey, little hero, this reminds me of the Episode 912. We were surrounded. The Kelp-Thing was to our right and there broccoli on the side. But if there was one thing I remember, it was how to forget. SpongeBob: Patrick, this is good. Roll the film. Mermaid Man: The rain in Spain stays mainly on! The final countdown. Stick to the...stick to the...Lou, my darling! Lou! [falls on ground] Now go out there and finish this movie, kid. [cut to Krusty Krab at night. Mr, Krabs is crying] SpongeBob: Mr Krabs, why are you weeping? Mr. Krabs: I closed early for your movie. Where are the paying customers? You promised a full house. SpongeBob: And here comes the filling! [fan club comes rushing into the Krusty Krab] The Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Fan Club. I knew you'd come to see the real Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy movie. Club Leader: Actually, the real movie was sold out. I'll take 200 tickets, please. [hands Mr. Krabs stack of money and he stuffs it into his pocket] Mr. Krabs: Now, this is what I call a happy ending. Barnacle Boy: [movie starts] Well, our big moment, us up on the big screen. [Mermaid Man is sleeping] SpongeBob: [on-screen, playing with a toy car near a box-made fort with the word "LOX" on it] Fort Lox: home to over five billion Krabby Patties. [SpongeBob and Patrick each grab a canister of popcorn while watching the movie. SpongeBob uses his tongue and Patrick sucks all the popcorn out of his canister] What evil mastermind would dare infiltrate this fortified fort and make off with its treesure? [the patty vault is opened and a piece of kelp on strings comes down] It is I, Kelp-Thing! Do what I do! Mermaid Man: [on-screen] Stop! You can't do that forbidden. SpongeBob: [on-screen as Kelp-Thing] Watch me! Mermaid Man: Prepare to feel my wrath, you foul villain. [Sandy comes in as Mermaid Man's stunt double and fights Kelp Thing. Then Mermaid Man shows up on screen again] You may have won the Krabby Patties, but the battle rages on. [real crabs are fighting] Mermaidmanacle Boy, unite! [both put rings together. Then 'FIN' comes on-screen] SpongeBob & Patrick: [cheering] Yay! Mermaid Man: Well, kid, you showed the world that even though our steps may have been slowed, we still have a little action left in these heroic old bones. [bone breaks] Barnacle Boy: Well, at least some of them. [all 4 laugh]

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