Skill Crane (transcript)
[Outside the Krusty Krab, a man is knocking on the doors] Squidward: Mr. Krabs, some guy in a suit wants to come in before we open. Mr. Krabs: What? Guy in a suit? No, it’s a tax collector! [jumps inside SpongeBob] Hide us, SpongeBob! [takes the register in with him] We’ll just walk non-schelauntly to the real exit. [man knocks on the door again but holding up a business card up] Squidward: He’s got a card. [reading business card] R.A. Penny Pincher: Vending Supplies. Mr. Krabs: What? My machine has arrived?! Oh, let ‘em in, let ‘em in, let ‘em in. [gets out of SpongeBob, who returns to his normal shape and size] R.A. Penny Pincher: Bring it in, boys. Mr. Krabs: That’s it, set her down easy. R.A. Penny Pincher: Here are the keys, Mr. Krabs. Happy vending! Squidward: What is it? Mr. Krabs: Only the greatest money maker since the Krabby Patty. Gentlemen, meet ‘‘skill crane’’. SpongeBob: Ooh, skill crane. Mr. Krabs: At a quarter a pop, this thing will pay for itself in no time. Which reminds me, step up boys. First one’s free. [takes out two golden coins] SpongeBob: Thanks, Mr. Krabs. [takes coin] Squidward: No thanks, I’ll pass. Mr. Krabs: C’mon, Squidward, you know you want to. Squidward: [sighs] Okay, if you insist. [takes coin and puts it in his pocket] Thanks. Mr. Krabs: Squidward! In the machine. Squidward: All right, all right. [puts coin in machine and moves crane] Oh, boy, what fun. [crane almost pulls out a dinosaur] Skill Crane: You lose! Squidward: [Suddenly goes berserk] Did you see that, SpongeBob? I almost got that on my first try! Mr. Krabs: [Satisfied] My work here is done. Squidward: They don’t call me ‘‘Squidward ‘Manually Dexterity’ Tentacles’’ for nothing. [moves his tentacles up and down and so does SpongeBob] SpongeBob: Well, why don’t I give it a try. Squidward: Haha, good luck. You’ll… Skill Crane: Winner! SpongeBob: It’s a bear! I’m gonna call you ‘‘Barry Jr.’’. Squidward: Heh, beginner’s luck. Now it’s the master’s turn. [puts another coin in and grabs a cat but the crane drops it] Skill Crane: Loser! SpongeBob: Wow, Squidward, you flipped him over. That takes an awful amount of skill. Squidward: Well, thank you for saying so. SpongeBob: Barry says he’s getting lonely. Don’t worry, Barry, I’ll get you a friend. [enters a coin in the skill crane] Squidward: Ha! If you think you’re winning that thing again… Skill Crane: Winner! SpongeBob: There ya go, Barry. Squidward: Oh, I loosened that one up for you. You would’ve never won that without my skill. SpongeBob: Wow, thanks for your help, Squidward. [walks off] Squidward: Hmph. I bet I win at this thing I try. Now all I have to do is… [thought bubble with Mr. Krabs in it appears above Squidward] Mr. Krabs: [echoing] At a quarter a pop, this thing pays for itself in no time. Squidward: Ha! I’m not falling for that malarkey. [later, Squidward is behind the register] SpongeBob: [skill crane makes the sound of a winner. SpongeBob walks by with a blue prize animal from the skill crane] Hey, Squidward. [skill crane makes the sound of a winner. SpongeBob walks by with a rabbit from the skill crane] Hey, Squidward. [skill crane makes the sound of a winner. SpongeBob walks by with a two-headed pink prize animal from the skill crane] Hey, Squidward. [laughing from the kitchen] Okay, Mrs. Wiggles, order up. Barry cooked this one all by himself. Oh, he makes me so proud. Skill Crane: [distinct scratchy voice] Squid…ward. [crane swinging back and forth] Squid…ward. Squidward: [sighs] What the…alright. Let’s get this over with. Mr. Krabs: Need some change? [takes Squidward’s dollar and gives him four coins in exchange] There ya are. Squidward: Gee, thanks. Mr. Krabs: No, no, Mr. Squidward. Thank you. [Squidward inserts coin in machine] Skill Crane: You lose. Mr. Krabs: Need some more change? [gives Squidward more coins but Squidward keeps on losing over and over, dollar after dollar] Skill Crane: You lose! Mr. Krabs: Need some change? Squidward: No. Mr. Krabs: What? Why? Squidward: Because...I’m...all...out...of...MONEY!! Mr. Krabs: All out of…? Hmmm. [later, comes out of his office] Boys, it’s payday. SpongeBob: [gasps] But, Mr. Krabs, today is Monday. Mr. Krabs: What the...no it’s payday, me boy. Here's your check, SpongeBob. SpongeBob: Money, money, money, money, money, money. Mr. Krabs: I took the liberty of turning your paycheck into quarters. Just in case you wanna, oh, I dunno, do laundry, buy a soda or...something. Squidward: Very funny, Mr. Krabs. If I can’t win one of those stupid things with this quarter, I’m walking away. Narrator: Six hours later… SpongeBob: [Squidward sitting on ground with empty bag over head] Pardon me, Squidward. SpongeBear, Jr. here wants me to win him a little brother. [Squidward scoots to the side while SpongeBob inserts a coin into the machine] Skill Crane: You are a winner! [two prizes come out] Squidward: Huh? SpongeBob: 2 in 1 quarter? That’s not fair. [puts in one of the prizes] What’s that ‘‘clown frown’’? You’d rather sit next to ‘‘lovely lion’’? [takes the crane and moves the prizes around] There you are, nice and cozy. See ya later, Squidward. Squidward: [scoots his way into his house and then sits on his couch] A little mind-numbing television ought to help me forget about that stupid machine. [tries to pick up the remote but every time he tries, he fails. Uses his eye instead] Ye-ahh! [now in bed] You had a rough day, Squiddy. But that doesn’t mean tomorrow won’t be better. [tries to pull his covers but he can’t] Ooh, phooey!! [tries to pick up the glass of water by his bed but drops it and breaks it] I gotta win that crane!!!!!!! [runs through his closet door and gets the piggybank. Later, SpongeBob enters the Krusty Krab and freaks out at what he sees when he enters] Just once. Please, oh, please, let me win one time. SpongeBob: Squid, I think you have a problem. Mr. Krabs: No he doesn’t. You don’t listen to him, Squidward. You keep playing until you win! [takes out all the quarters that were put in the machine and pours them into a bucket. A piece of rolled paper drops into the bucket] What’s this? Squidward: The deed to my house. Mr. Krabs: Okey-dokey, then. Carry on. Squidward: [cries] If I can just win once, I’d never play again. SpongeBob: Hey, you want me to tell you the secret of how to win on this machine? Squidward: [gasps] SpongeBob, there’s a secret? SpongeBob: Mm-hmm. Squidward: Tell me...the...secret. SpongeBob: Are you ready to be a winner? Squidward: Yes. SpongeBob: Yeah? Squidward: Yes. SpongeBob: Yeah? Squidward: Yes. SpongeBob: Yeah? Squidward: SpongeBob! The secret?! SpongeBob: Okay, Squidward, okay. I face the crane. Deposit my quarter. Then I close my eyes. Squidward: Close your eyes? SpongeBob: Quiet, Squidward. I’m being the crane. Squidward: Oh, that’s ludi... Skill Crane: Winner! SpongeBob: See? Now you try. Squidward: This is ridiculous. If I close my eyes, how will I know where the... SpongeBob: Squidward, do you wanna win or not? Squidward: [presses face against machine] Yes, yes, I do! SpongeBob: Okay, Squidward, put your quarter in. Squidward: But this is my last quarter. SpongeBob: In the machine, Squidward. Squidward: Okay, okay. SpongeBob: Close your eyes. [Squidward does] Now be the crane. [while SpongeBob is telling him this, Squidward is playing the game] Be the crane. Be the crane. Be the crane. Skill Crane: Winner! Squidward: Whoo-hoo! Yeah! I knew I could do it. I’m a winner! SpongeBob: You’re a winner! Squidward: I am a winner, aren’t I? Winner, winner, winner! [twirls] Wiiiiiinner. [over loudspeaker] I’M A WINNER, EVERYBODY! YOU HEAR THAT?! [cricket chirps in the empty restaurant. Squidward goes into Mr. Krabs’ office] I’m...a winner. Mr. Krabs: That’s funny. Last time I checked, you were a cashier. Squidward: Yuck it up all you want, Mr. Krabs. But just remember, you’re yoking [looking] it up in the presence of a winner! Ha! Mr. Krabs: I’ll try to remember that. 3,498 of Squidward’s quarters...3,499 of Squidward’s quarters... SpongeBob: Triple decker, on deck. Squidward: [slams door in SpongeBob’s face] Make way for the winner! [door opens to SpongeBob having the triple decker hanging out of his mouth like an accordion] Skill Crane: You lose! [little kid sighs] Squidward: You didn’t win the prize? Billy: No. Squidward: You know what that means? Billy: No, what? Squidward: It means you have no skills and you’re a loser! [laughs] I’m a winner, see my prize! You’re a loser who sits and cries! [Billy kicks Squidward in the leg] Ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! [later, Squidward and SpongeBob are walking out the Krusty Krab] Did you see how I handled that crane? SpongeBob: I sure did. Squidward: I just closed my eyes and became the crane. SpongeBob: [Getting exasperated] Oh, yeah, you’re the man. Squidward: SpongeBob, look. [a real crane is just a few yards away. Squidward runs to it] SpongeBob: Uhh, Squidward, I don’t think the same principles apply. Squidward: Be the crane. SpongeBob: Wait, Squidward! Squidward: Be the crane. [picks up an I-beam] SpongeBob: He did it. Yay, Squidward! Squidward: Be the crane. Be the crane. Be the… Construction Worker: You know this guy? SpongeBob: Yeah, that’s Squidward. He’s got the magic touch. [pokes the construction worker] Ding. [Squidward knocks a bunch of buildings over with the I-beam; a sign reads "Your New Mall"] [The construction worker is ready to explode] Tada! [notices the mess] Ah! Squidward, open your eyes! Squidward: [opens eyes] Oh, uhh, be the crane. Be the crane. [could not control crane; he whacks the workers with a beam] Look out, SpongeBob. I can’t stop! [crane chases after SpongeBob & workers; SpongeBob's eyes bug out so he runs away on them] Be the crane. Be the crane. Be the crane. Okay, don’t be the crane! Don’t be the crane! [Everybody runs in terror and take cover in the Krusty Krab]'[crane spins around fast and heads towards the Krusty Krab destroying it] Mr. Krabs: What the?! Squidward: Oh, my. Oh, my. Time to go, Teddy. [bumps into large construction worker] Construction Worker: Just where do you think you’re going, crane master? [All workers surround Squidward, ready to beat him up] Construction Worker #2: You ain’t going anywhere. SpongeBob: [whistles] Hang on, buddy. I got ya. [uses crane to get Squidward but instead gets his prize] I guess I can only pick up toys. Squidward: Uh-oh!
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