Selling Out (transcript)
[Inside the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs is counting money at the register until he feels a rumble coming from outside]
Mr. Krabs: Here they come, lads.
Squidward: Fantastic. [crowd comes rushing in running over Squidward]
Mr. Krabs: Thank you very much, madam. [Mr. Krabs pushes the key to open the cash box over and over] I feel so alive! ♪Cha-ching. Cha-ching. Cha-chingaring. Money, oh money, how I love thee. Cha-ching. Cha-chong. Cha-changaroo. From pennies to dollars. Any amount will do. Cha-ching. Cha-ching. It's no contest. There's only one thing that I love the best from every sight I ever seen, to sweetest sound I've heard. I'd gladly give up everything for all the money that I've earned Cha-ching. Cha-ching. Cha-chingaring. There's nothing on Earth like the feeling of greed. There's nothing on Earth like the feeling of greed!♪
Squidward: Please don't do that again.
Howard: [walks in the Krusty Krab] I think the stain glass barstool can go over here. And the suede hand carved wooden sports flag display case can go over there.
Mr. Krabs: Ahoy there, matey. Can I help you gentlemen with something?
Howard: I'd like to speak to the owner.
Mr. Krabs: Who wants to know?
Howard: Allow me to introduce myself. Howard Blandy: President of the Blandy Franchising Company.
Mr. Krabs: Howard Blandy? You mean the Howard Blandy? The Howard Blandy that masterminded the ruthless takeover of every small family owned business in Bikini Bottom? That Howard Blandy? [gets on hands and knees] I worship you. [cries]
Howard: Get it together, little man.
Mr. Krabs: Sorry, it's just, uhh, you're rich. [laughs] I'm Mr. Krabs. To what do I owe the honor of having you at the Krusty Krab, Howard?
Howard: What would it take to buy the Krusty Krab from you?
Mr. Krabs: Buy the Krusty Krab? It's not for sale. You know, I may not make as much as your fancy-schmancy-migger restaurant chain, but it's the blood, sweat, and tears of a hard days work. It's not about the mon... [suitcase full of money is shown to Mr. Krabs] Holy mother of pearl! I like the way you think Blandy. But it's gonna take a lot more than a suitcase of cash to buy the Krusty Krab from me.
Howard': Oh, there's a lot more than that. The rest is over there. [points to a boat full of suitcases with money]
Mr. Krabs: Jumpin King Neptune! Sold. Can I have my money?
Howard: Just one thing. If you can sign this contract. It just states that you relinquish the Krusty Krab and all proprietary ownership thereof. Along with its employees, merchandise, logos, and cash registers.
Mr. Krabs: Do I still get the money?
Howard: Of course.
Mr. Krabs: That'll be fine then. [signs contract] Here you go. Now gimme gimme gimme gimme. [holds suitcase up in the air] Whoo-ha! See ya around. [walks out of the Krusty Krab. Contractors & painters come in remodeling]
SpongeBob: What's happening? Mr Krabs! Mr Krabs, they're putting up pennants in the Krusty Krab. What's going on?
Mr Krabs: I'm retiring!
Mr. Krabs: I'm free to do whatever I want. I can learn to ride that bicycle I got 30 years ago. Or go to the new hook museum downtown. Or even paint bowls of fruit. Aren't you happy for me?
SpongeBob: I sure am!
Mr. Krabs: So long, boys.
SpongeBob: Have fun, Mr Krabs. [cries]
Squidward: Heaven knows I won't.
Carl: Hi, gentlemen, I'm Carl. I'll be your new manager.
SpongeBob: New manager?
Carl: I think you'll find working at the Krabby O' Mondays to be a both learning experience and enjoyable one.
SpongeBob: Krabby O' Mondays?
Carl: [takes away their Krusty Krew hats] You won't be needing these anymore. [hands them new clothes] Now here are your new uniforms and here are the... [hands them heavy books] new manuals. See ya first thing tomorrow.
Mr. Krabs: [driving boat and smelling the air] Ahh, the sweet smell of a brand-new day. First stop: the new hook museum. And then maybe I'll... [sees new krabby o' Mondays] Hey, a Krabby O' Mondays? Not the name I would've chosen. But that's all behind me now. [later, Mr Krabs is at the Hook Museum listening to the story narrator about a 3 prong hook. Then he is at his home painting a bowl of fruit, which he actually paints a bowl of krabby patties. Then he is playing golf] Wait a minute, I hate golf! [now laying in his bed at home] Well, I've done everything I wanted to do. And it's not even noon.
Pearl: [on phone] Did you see the shoes she has on? So last year. [laughs. Notices her father in the doorway] Hold on, Gina. Yeah, Dad?
Mr. Krabs: How's it going?
Mr. Krabs: Whatcha up to?
Pearl: I'm talking on the phone!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, really?
Mr. Krabs: Oh.
Pearl: Dad, isn't there something you need to do?
Mr. Krabs: Actually, I was hoping you and I could do something together.
Pearl: Get out! That's it, Dad. Get a job, get a hobby, or get some friends. 'Cause I can't take it anymore!
Mr. Krabs: [using metal detector on the beach] Find some friends she says, find a hobby she says, get a job she says... [runs into a window with a 'Help Wanted' sign] Help wanted. [walks into Krabby O' Mondays]
Squidward: Ahoy there, mateys. Welcome to Krabby O' Mondays.
Kid: It's my birthday.
Squidward: Can I start you off with...
Mother: Will you sing the Krabby O' Mondays birthday song to my special little man?
Squidward: Happy, happy birthday. [sighs] Happy, happy bir...
Carl: Uhh, Squidward, can I talk to you for a second? What's our motto here at Krabby O' Mondays?
Squidward: Sincere service with a smile.
Carl: Well, yes, but with the Krabby O' Mondays spirit. Now, Squidward, you wouldn't want to have to talk to human resources... [big strong guy steps out] ...would you? So, what's our motto again?
Squidward: Sincere service [slaps self] with a smile!
Carl: Now you're gettin' it.
Mr. Krabs: [in kitchen cleaning dishes] Morning, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! What are you doing here?
Mr. Krabs: Retirement ain't all it's cracked up to be. So, I'm the new bus boy. [whistles as he sees SpongeBob with a big smile] Uhh, ok son, you're starting to creep my out.
SpongeBob: [clings to Mr. Krabs] I knew you'd come back, Mr. Krabs, I just knew you would.
Mr. Krabs: Ok, boy, back to work.
SpongeBob: Aye aye, sir!
Mr. Krabs: I'm not your boss anymore. Just call me Eugene.
SpongeBob: Aye aye...Eugene. [giggles]
Mr. Krabs: Ahoy, Squidward.
Squidward: Ahoy, Eugene! Would you mind clearing this table for me?
Mr. Krabs: Sure, Squidward. Ya know, I've never seen you this happy.
Squidward: They're watching us.
Mr. Krabs: That guy's a real pain in the hindquarters, eh Squiddy?
Squidward: Uhh, Eugene, I think you need to look at page 20 of our employee handbook again.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I don't need Carl's silly rules.
Squidward: I really think you should look. [pointing to a message]
Mr. Krabs: What's this? Help me.
Carl: Hey, fellas, what's going on over here?
Squidward: Oh, hey Carl, uhh, I was just reminding Eugene about article 24 section 3 of our employee handbook.
Carl: cut the chatter and pick up a platter. Great job, Squidward.
Mr. Krabs: What have you done to real Squidward?
Carl: The less you know, Eugene, the better.
Mr. Krabs: What's going on around here? Where's SpongeBob? [in the kitchen, Krabby Patties are being made in a different way through an oven and spray painted to make it look like a real Krabby Patty]
SpongeBob: [takes a Krabby Patty from the basket] Where's the love?
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what happened to the Krabby Patties?
SpongeBob: I tried to tell them... but they wouldn't listen to me!
Mr. Krabs: This is obscene. [walks out of the kitchen] Carl, I need to have a wor...
Cash Register: Your change is $1.75.
Mr. Krabs: Automated cash register? NOO!!! [eyes roll back in his head] Hey, Carl, what have you done to me restaurant? Processed Krabby Patties? Computerized registers?
Carl: Look around you. our customers are quite content with the contrive and the mediocre. [customer falls asleep]
Mr. Krabs: That's because they don't know what they're eating. [grabs a pile of cow dung from the Krabby Patty making machine then walks up to a customer] Excuse me, ma'am, do you know what's in that patty you're eating?
Customer: No. [Mr. Krabs shows pile of the cow dung. Customer runs out]
Mr. Krabs: See that, without all your smoke & mirrors, no one would stomach this garbage.
Edward: What'd he say? Garbage? [customers notice what’s in the Krabby Patties and everyone runs out]
Carl: Eugene, you're in violation of your contract.
Mr. Krabs: Rules! Here's a rule for ya: people can't eat stain glass barstools! [throws barstool into the big screen TV] I'll show you automated! [takes cash register and shoves it in the Krabby Patty making machine]
Carl: Mr. Blandy? Code red. Free thinker.
Howard: Mr. Krabs, is there a problem here?
Mr. Krabs: You better believe there's a problem. I used to kiss the ground you walked on, Blandy. But after seeing this, I wouldn't even spit in your direction. Krabby Patties are supposed to be made by hand. One at a time. Not on a conveyor belt. [Krabby Patty machine blows and spews out garbage everywhere]
Carl: Oh, my. [floating away in the garbage] Does this mean I won't get that raise, sir?
Howard: It's ruined!
Friend: We'll have to sell it. we'll be lucky if we get a fraction of what we paid for it. [Mr. Krabs drives up with boat full of suitcases]
Mr. Krabs: I'll buy it for full price.
Friend: Sold. We won't be needing your contract anymore. Nice doing business with you.
Mr. Krabs: Pleasure's all mine. Now get out of me restaurant. [laughs] We did it, boys. The Krusty Krab is ours again. Ya know, in a fit of maniacal rage, I may have destroyed the restaurant, scared away all our customers, and forced us into bankruptcy because I returned nearly every penny I sold this stink heap for, but it was all worth it. And I got back the love of my dear friends.
Squidward: Really, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: No, not really. Get back to work. [pushes the key to open the register and ends with dollar signs]