Patrick Smartpants (transcript)
[SpongeBob & Patrick are running through Jellyfish Fields laughing trying to capture jellyfish] Patrick: [pokes SpongeBob] You're it. [both laugh] SpongeBob: [pokes Patrick] You're it. [both laugh. Patrick runs off] Wait, Pat, you're it! [notices a sign a few yards away] The sign! Patrick: Huh? [tries to read it as he is running] Danger... [falls off the cliff] cliff! SpongeBob: Patrick! [runs down the cliff to Patrick] Let me help you out of there, buddy! [grabs a starfish shaped head out of the ground. When he notices its just a head, he screams] Is the rest of you down there? Patrick: [walks up to SpongeBob with no head attached to his body] The rest of me is up here. SpongeBob: Whew, you had me worried there, buddy. [laughs] Here's your head. [attaches the head onto Patrick and laughs. Picture of inside Patrick's head shows a plug--plugging into an outlet. Gears & Cranks start up. Patrick gets a spark or two from his head] Patrick: I find all this laughter to be highly illogical. SpongeBob: Well, let's stop laughin' and start fishing'! [takes out two jellyfish nets. Hands a net to Patrick] Go ahead, you get first crack. Patrick: [jellyfish floats by] Look at them. These graceful stoic creatures of the deep. SpongeBob: Huh? Those are some big words, Pat. I've never heard you use them before. Patrick: Nonsense, my vocabulary is infinitely expanding. SpongeBob: Well, let's expand our jellyfish nets. C'mon, Patrick. [captures a jellyfish] Look buddy, I captured one! Patrick: Yes... [shows SpongeBob a notebook with a Davinci-style jellyfish drawn] I captured one as well without disturbing its delicate ecosystem. It is wrong to harness nature in such a barbaric manner. [frees the jellyfish from SpongeBob's net] SpongeBob: Ok...what do you wanna do? Patrick: Let us go off and admire the beauty and fragility of nature. SpongeBob: Pretty. Patrick: Yes, quite. SpongeBob: Fragile. Patrick: Indeed. SpongeBob: [jumps at Patrick 3 times] C'mon Patrick, let's do something fun. Patrick: Oh, you want to run some statistics or observe phenomenon and render hypothesis of said phenomenon? SpongeBob: I was thinking more like jumping rope [jumps rope with his arms], 1-legged races [one leg goes inside his body and he hops on his remaining leg], or playing duck-duck-hermit crab. [jumps into a hermit-crab shell and blows bubbles] Patrick: Doesn't feel like fun. SpongeBob: How about some jokes? [Patrick sighs] Patrick, what's the difference between a guitar and a jellyfish? Patrick: You can't strum a jellyfish. SpongeBob: Yes! [laughs. Patrick grabs a jellyfish and strums its tentacles] Patrick: Oh my, look at the time. I really must be going. [walks off] SpongeBob: What's wrong with Patrick? I sure hope he gets better soon. [at Patrick's house where Patrick is doing some scientific work] Are you better, Pat? Uhh, whatcha doing? Patrick: Just studying this amazing sub-species. Plankton: [through a microscope] I'll show you subspecies. SpongeBob: Wanna visit Squidward? Patrick: Well, since I am finished with my work I'll humor you with your trivial pursuits. [now at Squidward's house where Squidward is playing his clarinet. He hears SpongeBob and Patrick come in and prepares to yell at them] I'd recognize that piece anywhere! Cornelius Pufferfish's Opus 67 symphony in blue. Squidward: [very confused] Patrick? Patrick: It's a beautiful piece. Execution needs some work. [walks over to the piano] May I suggest on the 7th bar of the adagio andante that you add a little fortissimo on the arpeggiated b-flat scale. Squidward: Wow, I never thought to do it like that. Patrick: Well, that is because you rarely think. SpongeBob: How do you know so much about music? Patrick: A creative outlet provides a spiritual release and helps facilitate a healthy mental balance. [inhales] Ah. SpongeBob: Does that include... [burps] belch-talk-ing? Patrick: [waving his hand in front of his face] Mr. SquarePants, I find your humor vulgar. Squidward: I had no idea you were so knowledgeable, Patrick. Do you think you can be my musical mentor? SpongeBob: Uhh, guys? Patrick: Let's take it from the top. [Squidward plays, badly] Not so excellent, Squidward. Let me demonstrate the proper technique. [looks at clarinet with spit covered all over the mouth piece] On second thought, practice makes perfect. Let's begin. [SpongeBob comes up playing his musical nose as a flute] Thank you, my good chap. Unfortunately, this is a solo piece for clarinet only. And 1, 2, 3, 4... [Squidward plays more. SpongeBob frowns and walks out. Patrick covers his ears since Squidward's playing is still terrible] Stop! Enough! [walks out] Find yourself a new mentor!! SpongeBob: Now that you have some free-time, let's get some grub. Patrick: No, SpongeBob, I'm afraid not. SpongeBob: Well, I have a brand new bottle of super-bubbly bubble soap. [blows a bubble that pops on Patrick's face] Patrick: [wiping his face] No, thanks again. SpongeBob: Well, maybe later we can play pirates. Patrick: Robert, my dear, it's no use. We've just grown apart. SpongeBob: What? What do you mean? Patrick: I know we've had fun in the past but we're just not compatible anymore. It's time we went our separate ways...such is life. SpongeBob: [starting to cry] But Patrick... you're my best friend. Patrick: I know it's hard but brace up chap. SpongeBob: Yeah. Patrick: Maybe our paths will cross again someday. Think fondly of me, Mr. SquarePants. SpongeBob: Goodbye, Mr... Best friend! [sobs. At Sandy's treedome, SpongeBob rings her doorbell] Sandy, you there? I need some professional help. [Sandy and Patrick are heard laughing inside] Patrick? Sandy: Well, Pat, the new you gets an A+. Patrick: Why, thank you, Sandra. I find your intellect rather stimulating as well. Sandy: Oh, really? Well, thanks. [Sponge Bob cries then walks away from the treedome, at a chalkboard there's an equation on it] Well, Patrick, what do you think about this problem? Patrick: [changes formula] You simply change the literal term to a coefficient and the minuend will achieve the desired quotient. Even the simplest of mammals can figure it out with a little thought. Sandy: [angrily puts her hands on her hips] What do you mean by that, Patrick? Patrick: I'm merely suggesting you lack the ability to solve remedial equations. Sandy: Are you suggesting I'm dumb? Patrick: I'd use a more sophisticated word like 'impaired'. Sandy: I think you'd better leave! Patrick: I was only trying to help. [walks off] Sandy: I don't need your kind of help, Mr. know-it-all. I liked you better when you were a barnacle head! SpongeBob: [sitting on his chair at home crying] I never thought I'd lose my best friend. How can I compete with geniusness? Patrick: [sitting on his chair at home] Surrounded by knowledge and no one to share it with. No one I can call friend. Who's that old chap I used to run with? [notices a book on the table next to him called 'MY FRIEND SPONGEBOB'] SpongeBob. SpongeBob: [looks at his 'MY FRIEND PATRICK' book] Well, at least Patrick's my friend in my memories. [Sponge Bob looks at several pictures of him and Patrick together, as Sponge Bob begins to cry another picture is shown, it's revealed that Patrick is the one who put a tear on the last picture] Patrick: Aww, the glory days, why have we grown apart? I must apply all that I know to solve this problem! [looks at x-rays of him & SpongeBob's head, meditates on top of his rock, studies Squidward, reads book. He puts the book down and shows his bloodshot eyes] What could it be? [applies a chemical on his head and grows hair] What's different? Ah! [tears out his hair] What?! I'd do anything to have my old buddy back by my side again! SpongeBob: [doorbell rings] Coming... [opens door and gets kidnapped in a jellyfish net. Patrick is shown carrying the net over his shoulder with SpongeBob inside. SpongeBob pops out happily] Patrick, you're kidnapping me? Patrick: Yes, I am. SpongeBob: Yay! [jumps out of the net and writes "Yippie" in the air with bubble soap] What should we do? Patrick: We are going to have fun. Whatever the cost may be. SpongeBob: Let's do this. Patrick: Yes, let's have some fun. SpongeBob: [jumping around] Oh, yeah! Patrick: [jumping around] Oh, absolutely! [now riding on a shell down a mountain] Are you quite sure I found this activity to be fun? SpongeBob: Yeah. [screams with enjoyment. Shell lunges them into the sand] That was fun, huh Patrick? Patrick: [Swallows a mouth-full of sand] When did the fun go away, SpongeBob? SpongeBob: It went away when you jumped off that cliff and knocked your head clean off. Patrick: That's it! [runs off] SpongeBob: That's what? Patrick, what are doing? Patrick: I'm going to duplicate my actions from that day to ascertain the origin of my head! [falls off cliff] SpongeBob: Patrick! Hold on, buddy! [takes Patrick out of the ground] There ya go. [notices he has no head and screams] Don't worry, Patrick. I found your head last time, I'll find it again! [searches around some coral] Not back there. [checks under a rock] Not under here. What if I can't find it? Oh pore headless Patrick?! [turns around and runs into Patrick making his head pop out] Patrick, you're head is back! But, uhh, do you feel different? Patrick: Quite unchanged, actually. SpongeBob: I guess... we'll never have fun together again. Patrick: You said you found my dislodged cranial cap last time. SpongeBob: Yes. Patrick: Where exactly did you find it? SpongeBob: Uhh, it was right here. Patrick: Hmmm, impossible! If I landed here, the trajectory of my dismembered skull would cause it to come to rest, not there, but here, exactly 5 meters due north. SpongeBob: But if that's your head, then what did I pick up over... [sign says 'Brain Coral Field'] Brain Coral! No wonder you got so smart, buddy. [blows off the Poison Sea Urchins off Patrick's head] Here you go, Patrick, your old head. Are you sure you want to give up being smart and phosisticated to be my friend again? Patrick: Knowledge can never replace friendship. I prefer to be an idiot! SpongeBob: Not just an idiot, Patrick. You're also my pal. [Patrick takes off his coral head and SpongeBob puts his old one back on] Patrick? Say something, Patrick. Patrick: [burps] Hi, SpongeBob. SpongeBob: Patrick, you're back! Patrick: Patrick, you're back. [both laugh, then pull out their jellyfish nets, make oo-loo-loo sounds, and run off into the sunset]
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