Naughty Nautical Neighbors (transcript)
Squidward: Wow. Squidward, this is the best soufflé you have ever created. (He kisses his tentacle) Congratulations, chef! (He throws away the painted background and gets dressed off screen by taking a shower and brushing his teeth. He returns dressed in a tuxedo and sits down but hears giggling coming from outside. He goes to check on it and notices SpongeBob and Patrick playing with bubbles. SpongeBob whispers into a bubble, floats right next to Patrick’s head and pops) · SpongeBob (Bubble): Hi Patrick. (Patrick giggles as he whispers into a bubble and sends it over to SpongeBob where it pops) · Patrick (Bubble): Hi SpongeBob. (SpongeBob giggles as Squidward gets irritated. He pours liquid from his soufflé into a cup and stirs it with a fork. SpongeBob giggles again as Squidward stirs the mixture faster. SpongeBob whispers into another bubble) · SpongeBob: (whispering into bubble) Patrick, you’re my best friend in the whole neighbourhood. [SpongeBob’s bubble floats over but is interrupted when Squidward whispers into his "bubble". Squidward’s bubble pops SpongeBob’s bubble by kicking it. Squidward’s bubble floats over to Patrick and pops) · Squidward (Bubble): Patrick, you are the dumbest idiot it has ever been my misfortune to know. (Patrick frowns then sends a bubble over to SpongeBob) · Patrick (Bubble): Do you really think that, SpongeBob? · SpongeBob: [whispering into the bubble] Of course, Patrick. Anyone with eyes can see that. [SpongeBob’s bubble floats over to Patrick and pops. Then another bubble floats back over to SpongeBob] · Patrick Bubble: Yeah? Well I think you’re ugly. (Another bubble comes over and pops) Yellow is ugly. (2 other bubbles, smaller, float over and pop and giving SpongeBob raspberry sounds) · SpongeBob: (Whispering into the bubble) Patrick, what are you talking about? (Bubble floats over to Patrick. One of Squidward’s bubbles floats over to SpongeBob and pops) · Squidward Bubble: SpongeBob, I no longer wish to know you. (SpongeBob gasps) You give bottom dwellers a bad name. (Squidward creates more bubbles. One floats over to SpongeBob) If I had a dollar for every brain you don’t have, I’d have one dollar. [Squidward laughs. Another bubble floats over to Patrick] Hey Patrick, I heard there was a job opening down at the pet shop...as some newspaper! · Patrick: [stands up and yells at SpongeBob] And that makes you a big dummy, you dummy! · SpongeBob: [stands up and yells at Patrick] Yeah, well that means that, uhh...so are you! · Patrick: Well, you’re a turkey! · SpongeBob: What’s that? (At this point, Squidward comes out with a lawn chair and his soufflé) · Patrick: It’s what you are! · SpongeBob: Well you’re a bigger one! · Patrick: Well you’re still yellow! And you know what else is yellow? · SpongeBob: What? · Patrick: You are! (Squidward Laughs) · SpongeBob: Oh yeah? Well it doesn’t matter what you call me, ‘cause I never wanna see you again anyway! (He enters his house through the back door and turns around) Aww, tartar sauce! (He Slams the door. Patrick opens his rock and slams it on himself and comes up all squished and sounding like an accordion. Squidward laughs a lot and puts the soufflé and fork in his mouth. He chokes on the fork and turns a deeper shade of blue as the letters "K" and "O" appear in his eyes and flashes appears. Squidward passes out) · Patrick: Wow, Squidward, you’re choking! (He runs over to Squidward) Uhh...uhh, I know what to do, but I should wash my hands first. Oh, well. (He cranks Squidward’s neck, takes a big, deep breath and does CPR on Squidward. As he is doing this, each one of Squidward’s tentacles suction cups pops up. Eventually, the fork comes out and Patrick grabs it) I win! · Squidward: Wow! Patrick, you saved me! · Patrick: I did? · Squidward: Yup! You’re a real lifesaver, friend! [shakes Patricks hands] · Patrick: Friend? [holds Squidward] Friend... · Squidward: Yeah, Patrick, we’re friends (Steps back), just friends. (They notice SpongeBob at his window gazing down with a blank stare) · Patrick: So what’re we gonna do tonight, best friend? (He walks with Squidward over to the Easter island head) · Squidward: Well, I was going to practice my clarinet solo. · Patrick: Clarinet? I love music! · SpongeBob: Ahh, who needs them? They’re no fun anyway, right, Gary? Gary? (He knocks on his shell but there is no response. Cut to Squidward and Patrick in Squidward’s Living Room.) · Squidward: Squidward will be performing his version of Solitude in E minor. · Patrick: (Sitting on a bench as he claps) Yeah! E minor! All right! Yeah! (Squidward takes a deep breath and plays a note but Patrick falls asleep as soon as he starts playing. Squidward gets angry. Cut to SpongeBob) · SpongeBob: Ah, what am I worried about? I got plenty of friends! I can name three right off the bat! [holds up three fingers] Uhh... [draws faces on each finger] The gangs all here... [cries] Ohhh! · Squidward: (is dragging Patrick, who is still asleep, outside. Squidward breaks his back after dragging Patrick a few feet) OH! My back! I threw out my back! · SpongeBob: (notices this) Oh, boy, now’s my chance! (jumps out the window) · Squidward: SpongeBob? No, no, stay back! · SpongeBob: (running) Don’t worry, Squidward! I’m coming! · Squidward: No, no, no, get away from me! · SpongeBob: Hang on! I’ll save you! (SpongeBob rips off his pants revealing a speedo swimsuit underneath. Squidward tries to get to his door) · Squidward: No, no! Get away from me! No, no! [SpongeBob jumps off a diving board] · SpongeBob: Hold on! · Squidward: No, no! Get away! [screaming as SpongeBob dives into his back cracking it back into place] Oh! I’m ruined! Im...I’m...I’m...I-I feel great! Thanks, SpongeBob! You’re a real friend! (SpongeBob smiles big) · SpongeBob: Friend... · Squidward: N-no, no, no, I didn’t mean that, no-no. · SpongeBob: Don’t worry, Squidy old pal. That’s what friends are for. [Squidward and SpongeBob walk into the Easter island head. Squidward’s feet are sweeping along the floor. Cut to the pair in Squidward’s Art Gallery] So dumb Patrick fell asleep on ya, huh? Some friend. A real friend would perform for you! · Squidward: You play? · SpongeBob: Are you kidding? I’ve been playing bassinet for years! (He takes one from the wall) Give me an A, buddy! (Squidward plays a note and SpongeBob sings) Squidward is my best friend in the world. (He grates the strings with the bow. Squidward drops his clarinet) Squidward is my best friend in the sea... (The bow flies into a caricature of Squidward and Squidward screams then growls. He takes the bow and breaks it) Squidward... · Patrick: (Opening the window) Likes Patrick more than SpongeBob. · SpongeBob: (Slams the window on Patrick’s Face.) And Patrick is a dirty, stinky, filthy rotten friend stealer! [pounds bassinet on the ground, breaking it] Umm, I can fix this. [Squidward is steaming red and throws SpongeBob out] So, uhh, I’ll see you tomorrow, Squidward! Call me! · Squidward: Yech! That was disgusting! I feel like I need to scrub myself. (Opens up the curtain and screams after he sees Patrick in his tub) · Patrick: Hey, buddy. I warmed it up for ya. (shows him a brush and soap) · Squidward: Patrick! Get out! And put some clothes on! (SpongeBob peeks in through the upstairs window) · SpongeBob: What’s the matter, Squidward, old buddy? (Notices Patrick in the bath-tub) Oh, ho-ho, so this is what I find, huh? My best friend and my ex-best friend and... (shown bath toys) …rubber bath toys! (SpongeBob & Patrick argue as Squidward runs away) · Squidward: Ahh! This can’t be happening to me! · SpongeBob & Patrick: Squidward?! · SpongeBob: Buddy?! · Patrick: Squidward?! · SpongeBob: Where’d ya go, friend? · Patrick: Where are ya, ‘ol buddy? · Squidward: (in a trash can) Oh, this is nuts! I need a plan to get those two back together and out of my hair! (Cut to SpongeBob reading a Magazine) · SpongeBob: (The doorbell rings and a letter is pushed under the door. SpongeBob smells it) Squidward. (He opens it) A dinner party? I’d love to! (Cut to SpongeBob knocking on Squidward’s door and Squidward opening it) Did you miss me? · Squidward: Come on in! You look stunning. (shuts door) · SpongeBob: I’d much rather dine with you than that lousy... (gasps when he sees Patrick) Say, what gives? I’m not sitting near that maniac! · Patrick: Me neither! This was a setup! · Squidward: I thought you two were my best friends. · SpongeBob & Patrick: I AM your best friend! · Squidward: (He takes out a bottle of soda) Well, how about some soda, guys? (SpongeBob shows him his glass) · SpongeBob: Yes, please! (Squidward gives him some soda) Thanks, friend. (flicks Squidward’s nose) · Patrick: How about some for your best friend? (SpongeBob puts his glass in front of Patrick’s, so he gets the soda instead of Patrick) · SpongeBob: Thanks, best friend! (Drinks) · Patrick: Can I have some now, buddy? · SpongeBob: Wait, I need some more! (pours SpongeBob another glass) · Patrick: I still didn’t get any! (SpongeBob gives Patrick his soda) · SpongeBob: There ya go. More please! (Squidward fills his glass as SpongeBob drinks it really fast) · Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward! · SpongeBob: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward! · Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Hey, Squidward! · SpongeBob: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward! · Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward! (shows Squidward his glass again but it’s still full) SQUIDWARD! · Squidward: Patrick! Your glass is full! · Patrick: Oh, yeah... · SpongeBob: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward! · Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Hey, Squidward! · SpongeBob: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward! · Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward! · SpongeBob: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward! · Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Hey, Squidward! · SpongeBob: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward! · Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Hey, Squidward! · SpongeBob: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward! · Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward! · SpongeBob: (shows Squidward his glass) Squidward! · Patrick: (shows Squidward his glass) Hey, Squidward! · SpongeBob & Patrick: (both show Squidward their glasses) Squidward! · Squidward: Sorry, boys, I’m all out of pop. I’m gonna go get some more. (Walks away) Why don’t you just stay here and chat? (closes door. Then we see SpongeBob and Patrick. They are extremely fat and not wanting to look at each other. Then SpongeBob hiccups and a bubble floats up and pops that sounds like a burp. Both of them laugh and the entire house is full of bubbles as Squidward walks up to his door. Then a crashing sound is heard. Squidward drops his keys and the new bottle of soda) I should just walk away right now. (opens door to find his house destroyed) What a surprise... I invited them in, and I left them alone. Well, Squidward, what have we learned today? (Pieces around the door break) · SpongeBob: Guess what, Squidward? (both hug) · Patrick: Me and SpongeBob are friends again! · Squidward: Great. Go be friends somewhere else. · SpongeBob: Don’t you want us to help you clean this up a little? · Squidward: NO! Out! [both walk out] · SpongeBob: Psst, I think he’s jealous. · Patrick: How pathetic. (Squidward shuts door hard and when he turns around, a bubble pops on the door which causes it to falls on his back) · Squidward: Oh, my back.