Help Wanted (Transcript)
French Narrator: (first lines) Ah, the sea. So fascinating. So wonderful. Here, we see Bikini Bottom, teeming with life. Home to one of my favorite creatures, SpongeBob SquarePants. Yes, of course he lives in a pineapple, You silly. [SpongeBobs alarm sounds; he wakes, and with a smile turns it off. He climbs from his bed to a ladder leading to a diving board]
SpongeBob: (first lines) Today’s the big day, Gary!
Gary: (first word) Meow.
SpongeBob: [Jumps on the diving board] Look at me, I’m… [Jumps up, and leaves his underwear behind] nakeeeeeeeeeed! [Lands inside pants, walks over to exercise room. His head pops out of the top of his pants] Got to be in top physical condition for today, Gary.
SpongeBob: [He goes inside his small gym that has a sign that says, “I LOVE PAIN”. Taking deep breaths, he prepares to lift a barbell that is balanced by two lightweight stuffed animals. He sticks out his chest, but almost passes out.] I’M READY! [Runs outside] I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready. [Patrick Stars rock tilts upwards with Patrick stuck to its underside]
Patrick: (first lines) Go, SpongeBob! [Patrick falls]
SpongeBob: [Runs down the street to the Krusty Krab] There it is. The finest eating establishment ever established for eating. The Krusty Krab... [Restaurant sparkles, and polluted smoke gushes out of a pipe] ...home of the Krabby Patty. With a ‘Help Wanted’ sign in the window! For years I’ve been dreaming of this moment! I’m gonna go in there, march straight to the manager, look ‘im straight in the eye, lay it on the line and… I can’t do this! [He starts to run home but Patrick stops him] Uh, Patrick!
Patrick: Where do you think you’re going?
SpongeBob: I was just…
Patrick: No you’re not. You’re going to the Krusty Krab and get that job!
SpongeBob: I can't, don't you see? I'm not good enough!
Patrick: Whose first words were "may I take your order"?
SpongeBob: Mine were.
Patrick: Who made a spatula out of toothpicks in wood shop?
SpongeBob: I did.
Patrick: [Grimaces and contorts twice while trying to come up with a good third line] Who's a, uh... who's uhh. oh! who's a big yellow cube with holes?
SpongeBob: I am!
Patrick: Who's ready?
SpongeBob: I'm ready!
Patrick: Who's ready?
SpongeBob: I'm ready!
Patrick: Who's ready?
SpongeBob: I'M READY! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! [Runs toward the Krusty Krab]
Squidward: [Cleaning graffiti of himself with the word Loser, sees SpongeBob, and sighs] (first lines) Oh no, SpongeBob. What could he possibly want?
SpongeBob: I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm READY! I'm READY! I'm READY! I'm READY! Go SpongeBob! Go SpongeBob! Go SpongeBob! Go self! [Squidward looks at the Help Wanted sign and runs inside]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs! [Cuts to the ordering window, where Mr. Krabs is happily sniffing a handful of money] Hurry, Mr. Krabs, before it's too late, I gotta tell you about-- SpongeBob: Permission to come aboard, captain! [deep voice] I've been training my whole life for the day I could join the Krusty Krew, [normal voice] And now I'm ready. [SpongeBob trips on a nail stuck in the floorboard. His fall causes him to bounce against the ceiling, SpongeBob shouts and blurts incomprehensibly while his bounces and ricochets around the building accelerate. He then rolls to a stop at the feet of Squidward and Mr. Krabs] So, uh, when do I start?
Krabs: (first lines) Well lad, it looks like you don't even have your sea legs.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, please. I'll prove I'm fry cook material. Ask Squidward, he'll vouch for me. [Mr. Krabs and Squidward quickly walk away from SpongeBob]
Squidward: [deep breath] No. [Mr. Krabs winks. They head back to SpongeBob]
Krabs: Well lad, we'll give you a test, and if you pass, you'll be on the Krusty Krew! Go out and fetch me ... [SpongeBob takes out a notepad] ...a, uh, hydrodynamic spatula...[SpongeBob quickly jots down what he says] with, um, port-and-starboard-attachments, [more scribbling] and, uh... turbo drive! [more scribbling] And don't come back till you get one! [Mr. Krabs puts a Krusty Krab crew hat on SpongeBob. SpongeBob sees how he looks in a mirror]
SpongeBob: [saluting Krabs] Aye,aye, captain! [reading] One hydrodynamic spatula, with port-and-starboard attachments, turbo drive, coming right up, Sir!
Krabs: Carry on! [SpongeBob leaves] We'll never see that lubber again.
Squidward: You're terrible! A hydro-what? [Squidward and Mr. Krabs laugh as five buses drive toward the Krusty Krab from the opposite direction]
Bus Driver: (first lines) Hey! Hey! Please! Passengers are to stay seated and put their hands out the window! [The buses surround the Krusty Krab and the doors open, Mr. Krabs stops laughing]
Krabs: That sounded like hatch doors! [sniffs repeatedly] Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. A smelly smell that smells... smelly. [bulgy eyes] Anchovies.
Krabs: ANCHOVIES! [Anchovies get out of the buses and rush inside the Krusty Krab, crowding, repeating the word "meep" over and over again]
Squidward: Please, please, quiet! [anchovies stop talking] Is this any way to behave, hmmm?
Anchovy: (first word) Eat!
Squidward: Could we show a little decency and form a neat, single file line in front of the register? [The anchovies are quiet at first, then pick up the boat, as their cries of "meep!" become more intense. Cut to BargN Mart as SpongeBob enters]
SpongeBob: [singing to himself] BargN Mart, meeting all of your spatula needs. [Cuts to the Krusty Krab. Squidward and Mr. Krabs are still in the boat, and being tossed around]
Mr. Krabs: All hands on deck! Get your anchors out of your pants!
Squidward: One single file line was all I asked!
Krabs: Whoa! Button down the hatches, Mr. Squidward! [Mr. Krabs and Squidward are thrown up in the air] We're taking on water, Mr. Squidward! [they get thrown back up again] I want my mommy, Mr Squidward! [cuts to BargN Mart]
SpongeBob: [singing] Do do do do do do, spatula, spatula, port-and-starboard attachments. [Cuts to the Krusty Krab]
Krabs: Man overboard! Climb, Mr. Squidward! Climb! [They climb the mast, while the anchovies try to get them down] [The anchovies then form a big wave]
Anchovies: MEEP!!!! MEEP!!!!!!
Krabs: This is the end! Good-bye, Mr. Squidward!
Squidward: Oh Mr. Krabs! [They cry, then SpongeBob comes in with red lights flashing and flying with the spatula, singing a heroic tune]
SpongeBob: Permission to come aboard captain! Da da da da da da da! Da da da da da da da da da da! Did someone order a spatula? [Squidward and Krabs are shocked] Thats right! One hydrodynamic spatula with [two spatulas pop out on the sides of the previous one] port-and-starboard attachments, and lets not forget the turbo drive! [the two extending spatulas twirl around and smack Squidward and Krabs in the face] Would you believe they only had one in stock? To the kitchen! [to the anchovies] Who's hungry? [while SpongeBob serves up burger after burger, many burgers are launched through the opening window to the hungry anchovies. Eventually, all of the anchovies are served and they leave on the buses. Cuts to later]
Krabs: That was the finest fast foodsmanship I've ever seen, Mr. SquarePants! Welcome aboard! [Mr. Krabs gives SpongeBob a name tag]
Squidward: But, but Mr. Krabs...
Krabs: Three cheers for SpongeBob! Hip-hip!
Squidward: [weakly] Hooray, Mr.-
Squidward: [quickly] Hooray,
Squidward: [quickly] Hooray. Mr. Krabs!
Krabs: I'll be in my quarters, counting up the booty. [Wheels a wheelbarrow piled with an enormous stack of cash to his office. Patrick enters]
Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Krew!
Squidward: What would you like to order, Patrick?
Patrick: One Krabby Patty, please. [SpongeBob flies back to the kitchen using his spatula and a score of Krabby Patties is immediately fired through the servery, which collide with Patrick and send him flying out of the Krusty Krab.]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs! Mr. KRABS!!! [calmly and singing] Mr. Krabs, come see your new employeeeeeeeee!