Good Neighbors (transcript)
[everyone is sleeping until SpongeBob’s foghorn alarm wakes them up] Squidward: SpongeBob... SpongeBob: Good morning, Squidward. Squidward: SpongeBob, what are you doing in my house? SpongeBob: I came to make sure you don't oversleep and miss work. Squidward: Oh gee, SpongeBob, that's very thoughtful of you. SpongeBob: My pleasure, Squidward. That's what good neighbors are for. Squidward: You did overlook one teensy little detail, however. SpongeBob: What's that, Squidward? Squidward: IT'S SUNDAY!! [kicks SpongeBob out of his house] A good neighbor doesn't bother me on Sunday! SpongeBob: Sunday? No wonder Squidward's grumpy. He forget his Sundays papers. This will show Squidward I'm a good neighbor. I'll bring it to him. [breaks the string that holds the paper together] Man this is heavy. [bumps into Patrick] Oh, pardon me. Patrick: Hey, watch where you're going. Ah, newspaper monster!! SpongeBob: [throws paper in the air] Wah, monster!! [both scream and run around] Squidward: Will you two nincompoops kindly quiet down?! I'm not going to let them ruin the rest of my Sunday! [hums] My Sunday relaxation kit. [reaches into box] Let's see…pillow. [puts pillow on end of couch] Placed ever so for slight foot elevation. Flower--to brighten the room. Flower fragrance. [sprays fragrance on flower. The flower dies] Ah, and the final touch. [dials on phone] Yes, I'd like to order the Sunday special. Yes, pedicure and foot massage house call, that is correct. See you at 4 my good man. [hangs up phone] This is going to be a heavenly day. Oh, I almost forgot. [grabs a box] Bon-bons. Hello there, heavensville wonder. Take me on a chocolate vacation. [SpongeBob & Patrick raise up from behind the couch making noises. Squidward spits out his chocolate] SpongeBob & Patrick: By the all seeing eye, ye are worthy. We are not. Squidward: What are you two idiots doing?! Patrick: Secret ritual. SpongeBob: To inaugurate you as president. Squidward: Me? President of Bikini Bottom? I knew the people would come to their senses. Patrick: No, silly. Not the president of Bikini Bottom. Even better. Squidward: Better? SpongeBob: You're the president of 'The Secret Royal Order of the Good Neighbor Lodge'. Squidward: The what? Is this some stupid club you two made up? [SpongeBob & Patrick laugh] Patrick: Maybe. [both laugh] SpongeBob: It's a secret. [both laugh] Squidward: Fine! As my first presidential decree, why don't you, uhh, go out and paint all the leaves on the trees to make the neighborhood look nicer? [pushing SpongeBob & Patrick out the door] Now out, out, out, out, out, out. That oughta keep them busy for a few Sundays. [when he closes the door, SpongeBob & Patrick appear from inside] SpongeBob: What colors should we paint the laves, your presidentialocity? Squidward: Polka dots! Now don't bother me anymore. SpongeBob & Patrick: Wow! Polka dots! Patrick: Our new president is a genius! SpongeBob: Yeah. [both laugh] See ya later, Squidward! [now outside, a red paint can drops on the ground] Whenever your ready, Patrick. Patrick: [Patrick unscrews SpongeBob’s hat which turns out to be a screw] Hold still, buddy. [pours the red paint inside SpongeBob’s hole. When he is done, he throws the can away and ends up hitting an elderly citizen riding a bike. Patrick screws the hat back in] SpongeBob: Ok, Pat, gimme a quick shake. Patrick: Okie dokie. [Patrick shakes SpongeBob] SpongeBob: OKAY! I'm ready! [Patrick grabs SpongeBob’s arm and uses it like a slot machine. Drops of red paint come shooting out SpongeBob’s holes and onto trees] Hey, that worked perfectly! C'mon, good neighbor Patrick, let's paint the town polka dot! Squidward: [clock on wall is ringing noon] Oh, no! It's already noon! I will be darned if I let those morons eat up anymore of my valuable Sunday! SpongeBob & Patrick: [outside one of Squidward’s windows singing] Good neighbors are we! La-la-la-la-la-la! Squidward: What's going on out there? SpongeBob: Hi, president Squidward! Almost done painting the- [Patrick pulls on SpongeBob’s arm which makes the paint shoot out his holes and all over Squidward’s face and in his eyes] Squidward: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY EYES!! [runs around bumping into stuff. Runs outside and in front of a car] Debbie Rechid: Look out! [car slams on brakes and stops in front of Squidward] Ralph: Oh, you poor man! Debbie: You must be very sick! Let us take you to the hospital. Squidward: No really, I'm fine. Please, I…no, uhh… [car drives off] SpongeBob & Patrick: See ya later, neighbor! Patrick: It is a lovely day for a ride in the country. SpongeBob: Yeah, our president sure knows how to live. [later] I'd like to call this meeting of the good neighbor lodge to order. Let's begin with role call: Patrick. [Patrick is snoring] OK…Squidward? [Squidward’s chair is empty] Squidward? Squidward, you home? Patrick: Did you find him, SpongeBob? SpongeBob: Nope. I guess he's still on his Sunday drive. Patrick: Or maybe he's on a secret mission! SpongeBob: I hope he's not in danger! As members of the good neighbor lodge, we are sworn to protect our presidente from danger. Masseur: Excuse me? Somebody ordered a relaxing pedicure and foot massage? The Sunday special? SpongeBob: Brother star, we better check this guy out. Make sure he's safe for Squidward. Squidward: At least I still have my Sunday pedicure to look forward to. [SpongeBob & Patrick are laughing inside Squidward’s house. Squidward opens his front door] What are you two doing in my house? SpongeBob: We're checking to make sure this guy really is a certified foot masseur and not some kind of assassin. Patrick: I say he checks out a-ok! SpongeBob: Squidward, have you ever seen more lovely French tips? [shows foot with long toenails] Squidward: French tips, huh? [shoves SpongeBob to the side] Alright, pal, make with the foot massage, pronto. Masseur: Uh-oh. Sorry. Your hour's up. Squidward: [makes way toward the front door] Alright, you two! OUT! And don't even think about dragging your empty skulls around here for the rest of the day. Or tomorrow or next week. SpongeBob: Squidward, does that include… Squidward: (screams) YES, IT DOES! [closes door] SpongeBob: Gee, Patrick, do you think Squidward was trying to tell us something? Squidward: [busts head through the door, exploding] YEEEES I WAS!!!! YOU CALL YOURSELVES GOOD NEIGHBORS?! YOU'RE THE WORST NEIGHBORS EVER! [deep breath] YOU DON'T DESERVE TO WEAR THOSE FEZZES! [takes SpongeBob & Patrick’s hats and stomps them into the ground] SpongeBob: Gee, Pat, maybe president Squidward's right. Patrick: Yeah, I guess we're not good neighbors after all. Squidward: [explodes once again) NAAAAAUUUUOOO YOU AREN'T!!!! YOU'RE HORRIBLE NEIGHBORS! [deep breath] AND STOP CALLING ME PRESIDENT! SpongeBob: [to Patrick] C'mon, let's go. Squidward: There are only 3 hours of my Sunday left. They took it all away. I didn't even get to read the Sunday paper. [notices pile of paper on ground with a note on it] SpongeBob: ['Here's Your Sunday Paper Squidward. Enjoy. Love, SpongeBob.'] [Squidward steams up furiously, kicks the paper into the air then growls like a dog. Then he takes the paper off his head] Squidward: Good neighbors my right! [reads paper] Hello? "Keep Out Intruders For Good! New Security System 5000. Free Installation" [evil laugh. Later, has the security system built in and turned on] Security System: System Activated. Squidward: That ought to do it! Let's see those imbeciles get in here now! SpongeBob: [he with Patrick, with their fezzes back on, walk up to Squidward] President Squidward? Squidward: [screams] What the…?! SpongeBob: We hereby present you with this delicious cake. Squidward: [reads writing on cake] "Sorry for bugging you so much"? What the…? Security system, help! Intruder alert! Intruder alert! What's the matter with you?! Security System: No threat detected. Squidward: [angry, banging on security system] GRRR, you infernal contraption! I'm gonna ship you off to the scrap heap you came from! Security System: Threat detected. [system shoots a laser at Squidward which makes SpongeBob & Patrick’s cake fly into the air and land on the system and makes it go haywire] Squidward: What's going on? Security System: Threat detected. Code red! Code red! SpongeBob: [laughing as fireworks are shooting out all over Squidward’s house] It's like a carnival ride. Squidward: [running around] Run for your lives! [Squidward’s house suddenly grows legs and arms and stands up. Then grabs Squidward from inside] What the? What are you doing?! [Squidward’s house kicks him into the air and walks off] I only have half an hour of me time left, and the idiots took my house. Which means those boobs aren't around to bug me. Ooh, just what I've been waiting for. [laughs hysterically] I'm going to relax if it kills me. [meanwhile, Squidward’s house is on a rampage] Army: Fire! [tank fires a missile at the house but the house catches the missile and flicks it away. Then the house grabs the tank and squishes it] Patrick: Wow! Squidward’s house is destroying the neighborhood! SpongeBob: We gotta turn this thing off! [turns on a light switch] Nope, not it. Patrick: [flushes the toilet] Nope. SpongeBob: [turns on the fan] Nope. Patrick: [pushes the toasted button down] That's not it, either. Squidward: [still resting] This Sunday relaxation really hits the spot. [house stands right above Squidward] SpongeBob: Hmmm, where to look. [notices an "off button" on the wall] Hmmm, this off button seems suspicious. [pushes button and house sits on top of Squidward and goes back to normal] We did it, Patrick! [Squidward busts through from beneath the floor] President Squidward? Squidward: No-no, don't say anything more. This was all my fault. I was the one who wanted to relax on Sunday. Now if you'll be so kind to leave so I can get ready for work tomorrow. SpongeBob: Mr President S…but we just wanted to… Squidward: (screaming) GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!!! Huh? Scooter: There he is! [a whole crowd is standing outside Squidward’s house] Citizen: Are you the owner of this house? Squidward: Yes, yes I am. Citizen: Then on behalf of the citizens of Bikini Bottom, I present you with this summons to pay for the destruction of our town. You'll be doing community service every Sunday for the rest of your life. Squidward: Huh? SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, you got one of those, too? [SpongeBob & Patrick walk up with a summons in their hand] This'll be great! The three of us cleaning up Bikini Bottom. Well, see ya next Sunday, president Squidward! [Squidward twitches, ready for another explosion]
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